By Julian Breakell, SHCJ

Not I, Lord, not I………………..

I’ve failed him
He turned to look at me,
All he wanted was a look,
He didn’t ask for words or actions..
Just a look of understanding, recognition, friendship.
And I’ve failed him.
He called me in his need
and I couldn’t answer his call.
He needed me.
I’ve failed him.

I remember the Lake, back home in Galilee.
I only struggled with those nets , to please him. To humour him.
“Anything you say, Lord.” I said.
Then there I was, the boat heavy with fish.
And that was the beginning.

I told him,
I told him I was no good.
I told him to go – and leave me alone.
I’m just an ordinary working fellow—It’s not fair to expect things from me.
I’m a fisherman- don’t you understand.

“That’s just what I want” he said.

We had some good times together.
Hard times, too, with the crowds pressing all around us.
And not a moment’s peace.
I missed the nights at sea.
The tug of the wind on the boat’s sail.
That was a look he gave me that night.
“Come” he said
And there I was,
With nothing but wind and waves about me.
I knew him then alright.
“Man of little faith” he said
as he caught my hand in his.

What would he say tonight?
“Do not be afraid” ??
O Lord, I’ve failed You!
My friend, no he’s not my friend.
My Lord and Master,
Son of the Living God
Christ.
That’s what I called him once.

He looked at me that night.
I was his man then!
He looked at me tonight
“I do not know the man” I said.

If only I could tell him once again.
“You know, Lord,
You know all things.
You know I love you!